Dear Claire,

I am struggling to know the best way to support a friend who has had a bereavement in the family.

She is a good friend of mine and I want to be there for her and do what I can to help her.

I know she is going through a really hard time at the moment and is in a dark place. I’m worried about her and think about her all the time.

I feel bad that I was not there straight afterwards but I did not know the right things to say so I stayed away.

Is there any practical ways to help her and what is the best advice for being there for someone who is mourning?

I don’t want to upset her by saying the wrong thing but I also don’t want to pretend that nothing has happened.

Claire says...

This is a difficult situation which many readers will recognise. When we don’t know what to do or say we sometimes end up doing nothing. But avoiding a grieving friend is the last thing you want to do.

Send a letter, text or email to let her know you are thinking of her. Arrange a date to visit and stick to it. Being reliable is key.

You don’t need to have answers or give advice. Encourage your friend to talk about her loved one. You only need to listen. It may be that she does not want to talk but gains comfort from your company. The most important thing you can do is simply to be there for her.

You can also support your friend in small, practical ways by offering to help with everyday tasks, such as sorting their mail, picking up some shopping, walking the dog or putting the rubbish out.

Avoid cliches like ‘time heals’ and ‘they’re in a better place’, and don’t take it personally if they cannot reciprocate friendship at this time.

Remember that supporting a friend who is grieving can be emotionally draining. It’s essential to take care of yourself, too, so be prepared and find another friend you can talk to.