What does the future hold for the year 2000?

What a start to a new year, a new century, a new millennium: it's a moment to adopt Neil Hamilton's undying optimism in anticipating times of great joy and justice on the sports fields of 2000.

The following extracts from Old Hills' Almanac will explain why...:

Later this month England will actually win a test match.

Sir Alex Ferguson will begin his whinge about Manchester United's backlog of Premiership fixtures after their holiday in Brazil and Mike Tyson will be disqualified in his fight with Julius Who? for Hannibal Lectoring one referee, two seconds and three ringside fans.

February will see England thrash France in the Six Nations, their soccer counterparts whip Argentina 6-0 at Wembley and Aston Villa win the Worthington Cup. Premiership bosses will bring in a new rule restricting foreign players and banning all Frenchmen.

Rupert Murdoch will buy the March boat race for Sky and Solihull Poly will win from a fleet of 120 boats. The Grand Prix season gets under way in Australia and a new rule disqualifying drivers who chuck races by letting their team-mates through, will be introduced.

Colin Montgomerie will win the Masters in early April, FIFA decides that the Faroe Islands will host the soccer World Cup in 2006 and a redundant Tony Banks will take over John Prescott's brief to sort out the country's traffic problems.

In May the Premiership decides to retrospectively award extra points for fielding English players. Sheffield Wednesday take the title while Arsenal and Chelsea are relegated. The U's are promoted to division one via the play-offs and Spurs lift the FA Cup after being reinstated when action replays - now accepted by the FA - revealed that Newcastle's first goal in their 6-1 third round replay win, was offside.

Essex win the Benson and Hedges final in June, Montgomerie takes the US Open and David Beckham misses England's opener in Euro 2000 against Portugal after he failed to return to Holland from a Stringfellows party in time for kick off.

England go on to whip France 10-0 in the July final, Tim Henman wins Wimbledon and Montgomerie adds The Open to his two other majors, by a ten shot margin from Tiger Woods. Britain wins 20 gold medals at the European athletics championships and Ken Bates is put in charge of redeveloping Stamford Bridge as the new national athletics stadium.

August sees Montgomerie complete the Grand Slam of majors by winning the US PGA, England record a 5-0 whitewash over the West Indies, Essex win the NatWest trophy and David Mellor is chosen to head a committee to bid for the croquet world championships in 2100. "A genteel man for a genteel task," says Sports Minister Kate Hoey.

The Olympics get under way in Sydney in September with news that the 2008 games will be staged in the Maldives because Britain hasn't yet got a plan for a stadium big enough to stage the athletics. On the domestic front Manchester United are back in the FA Cup but are held to a 1-1 draw at Scraley Road by Heybridge Swifts in the first qualifying round.

The F1 season ends in Japan in October and after comeback kid Damon Hill wins the title in a Minardi, Bernie Ecclestone sells his remaining half for a cool £2billion. He is now Britain's richest man and made Chancellor of the Exchequer by Tony Blair.

November sees Rupert Murdoch buy the entire Premiership for Sky while the BBC's joy is unconfined when they beat off the opposition to clinch a five-year deal for racing from Haydock Park. Manchester United win through to the first round of the FA Cup after a penalty shoot-out victory over Billericay.

December's highlights are a 5-0 win for Britain and Canada over the United States in the Davis Cup final and ex-Villa manager John Gregory's appointment as liaison officer for Premiership referees. Mellor, Banks and Bates are all sacked and are made life peers in the New Year honours list.

Converted for the new archive on 19 November 2001. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.