First-time voter looks at election choices

As a 19-year-old, this will be the first general election in which I will be able to vote. I’m not going to pretend I have any real political knowledge or insight.

We never learned about it at school, and only from parental grumblings about Tony Blair and flicking through newspapers and news channels have I really gained any kind of knowledge.

And what knowledge it is!

If you want to have any kind of impact with your political party, a few qualities are apparently vital.

I had thought these would be obvious things – a vision, a desire for change and the ability to inspire people, but I was wrong.

The first thing you need to be a successful politician is a tie.

And not just any old tie; it has to be of a specific colour, and you have to stick to that colour religiously.

Never wear any other colour tie; your tie says more about you than your manifesto.

Ties are inadvertently assigning identities to their innocent wearers all around the country.

Aha! He’s wearing blue, so he must be a Conservative.

Also, you must have an attractive wife, who doesn’t mind being in the press a lot.

For what feels like a lifetime, the newspapers have been full of pictures of Samantha Cameron, Sarah Brown and Miriam Clegg, all smiling and – most astonishingly – wearing clothes.

I only say this is astonishing because the fashion choices of the women were put under intense scrutiny by tabloid and broadsheet papers alike. Sam-Cam dazzled in Topshop jeans and blazer, while Sarah Brown glowed in a Marks and Spencer dress.

We were all wondering what they were trying to convey via their shoe choices, and where could we buy Miriam’s blouse?

My boyfriend even bought me a necklace he had seen Samantha Cameron wearing and he thought I might like (verdict: nice thought, but just not me).

Are we really meant to be that bothered that they shop in the same places as us? Is it meant to affect our vote? Or am I missing something?

And now their clothes choices have got boring, the papers are seemingly focusing on the lovely ladies’ feet.

Sarah Brown has a bunion on her left foot. Samantha Cameron recently wore black nail varnish on her neatly-manicured toes. Hmm, well obviously the pretty foot wins – I’m voting Conservative.

Another requirement for the job is to go on television and record an interview, where you get misty-eyed and warm the viewers’ hearts. Gordon Brown went on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories on ITV, a show previously graced by the likes of Katie Price, Sharon Osbourne and Richard Madeley. As those three weren’t canvassing to be PM – despite Katie Price’s brief foray into politics in the early 2000s – their appearance on the show seemed quite acceptable.

But even to my naive, unpolitical mind, it seems a bit feeble politicians of all parties queue up to try to be all cuddly.

From what I can see, all of this personal information serves simply to divert the public from the actual policies and, instead, draws in on totally pointless and irrelevant information.

For example, I now know Gordon Brown buys his groceries online. How useful in determining my vote. I blame reality TV shows like popularity contest, the X Factor. It also seems useful to have an instantly recognisable nickname.

The only thing that irritates me slightly about this is the fact David Cameron has somehow acquired “Dave” as his.

I know everyone is entitled to a nickname. In fact, I quite like Cleggover, the name Nick Clegg gained following his pre-Miriam bedroom boasts, as it’s pretty imaginative.

I have no problem whatsoever with the name Dave, except when it is applied to David Cameron.

He is clearly far too upper-crust to have been called anything less than his full name.

To succeed in politics you must also, naturally, have a certain public charm. You must glide among paupers and princes alike, holding babies, pecking old ladies on the forehead and posing thoughtfully outside creches.

Boyish Nick Clegg does his best, grinning and smiling politely at the cameras.

David Cameron, with his twinkling blue eyes (even the eyes match the tie) is perfect at this – he is very good at mingling with the great British public.

Gordon Brown, on the other hand, doesn’t take to these public occasions with quite such grace. But, with dimple-faced Dave to compete with, he is always going to fall into second place.

P.S. While writing this I have gone through a process of self-discovery: I might just have a soft spot for David Cameron.

But that’s not to say I’m going to vote for him!